DFC #486
(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)  (<<)  (<)  (>)  (>>)
  (?)    '?'

Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc.
Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc.

Twenty three of the requested specimens have been gathered Master Zarx. Request permission to commence the anal probes.--megafrim
"You'd better check the fuckin' list again, lady... I'm tellin' you I'm not defective and I don't belong here."--Stan Xhiao
"Anybody can stick a plant in a stupid little pot. Wanna see where mine's growing?"--Tonton Macoute
"My daddy taught me how to smuggle heroin. Wanna see how it's done?"--Ogdred
Damn! Here, let me fix your pony tail...--Namgubed the Merry Elf
I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who realizes underwear are an instrument of patriarchal oppression.--3 Dollar Bil
"I'll take the girl with glasses and the one with the blocks, for now. Gimme a call when your next shipment arrives."--Helder
"See the little man in the boat? Whoops! Missed it! See the little sausage in the big bun? Whoops! Missed it again!"--Stan Xhiao
"You call that a defensive posture? Lift up that shield! Hold the blade properly!"--Stan Xhiao
"Guess where I'm pierced!"--Tonton Macoute
"You're like one of those aliens in the late-night movies, aren't you, with the big bloated heads and an IQ of a jillion and you come to save us from our own stupidity, or maybe it's to eat us, I dunno, I'm always asleep by the third commercial."--Ken
Miss Hurley would never let Dolly be Simon again.--Ken
"And Rule Number Three: Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."--Stan Xhiao
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ... and I thought ... ha ha ha ... Thel had a ... ha ha ha ... bad haircut."--Helder
"Hurry up with that pass! My water broke."--K-Man
"My mommy says I need help in the bathroom." Another trap baited, another substitute violated.--El Caballero
"'Milk and cookies'? That's funny. Let me know when the Chivas gets here."--ItsClaude!
"For today, can we change the name of 'Show and Tell' to 'Scratch and Sniff'?"--Captain Kirk
"Where's Mikey? Oh. He wouldn't share the green crayon, so I gutted him like a catfish and stuffed him in his cubbyhole."--Captain Kirk
"Do you remember my brother Billy from two years ago? I just want you to know I can be twice the man he was."--'zoid
"I just hate the club scene, don't you? What say you and I go find someplace where we can hear ourselves talk, hmmmm?"--'zoid
"Just so's you know, Mommy gave me her Prozac this morning 'stead of my Ritalin. I'll tear the roof off the place, but I'll be smilin' all the while!"--'zoid
"The blonde with the ponytail, talkin' to teacher? Not unless you got an asbestos dick, kid. You could bake bread in that pussy."--agtorange
"I have to go to the bathroom. Wait...ahhhh. Okay, carry on."--agtorange
"You're nice. I think I'll kill you last."--Torc.
"...thus if the ruling class we establish grants all the worker students decent grades, my theory will be proven and I can tell the National Review to go ahead and publish my report, Marx was a big poo-poo-head."--Torc.
"All this and shit wages. Lucky you."--Torc.
"The other kids call me The After-School Special. Meet me at 3:15 if you wanna find out why."--'zoid
"Nap time. Third mat from the cactus. I'll be waiting for you, babe."--'zoid
Miss Hoover? Is that your real name or is it just what the vice-principal calls you?--Rotter
No, you really REALLY don't want to know where my homework is.--James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight
Well, my Daddy said to leave anything illegal out of my "What I Did This Summer" essay.--Lucifer Antichrist
How did my panties come to be around my ankles? Well, that's a funny story...--Lucifer Antichrist
Look, girly, we found you on eBay and we can find a replacement just as easily, so you toe the line.--Lucifer Antichrist
Nice school you've got here. It would be a shame if anything were to happen to it...--hucke
"In case you're interested, Bobby's eyes are bleeding and for once it's not my fault."--Torc.
"Actually, I like to think of myself as Teacher's Petter."--maf
Seriously, once you've experienced my prehensile pony tail, you'll never go back to men.--Norm DePlume
And if I lift the hem just a little more, Ralphie's bow tie will spin and smoke will come out his ears. Isn't cartoon kindergarten fun?!--Norm DePlume
I was just thinking of that scene in "Fantastic Voyage" where the white corpuscle was eating the bald guy's head. No particular reason.--Norm DePlume
I give you two days. Tops.--TBone's House O' Screamin' Weasels!!
Ahh.. there's my Mr. Jellyfishy!--Mr. ?
"Your asthma inhaler? Why, it's somewhere in this room, but right now you're very, very, very cold."--Jester
"You must be the new hyperthyroid girl. Welcome to the 'tard class."--Stan Xhiao
"...an' I'm not allowed to learn about dinosaurs, or hom'setuals, or books with dirty words, and I can't have any peanut oil, and red food dye makes me hyper, and I need help putting my boots on and taking them off when it's wet, and I'm scared of bees, and I'm excused from having any flouride, and Mommy says that I can't get near that Jewish kid any more cause last time I told him about Jesus there was almost a lawsuit, and I hope we'll have a lot of fun this year."--Cassandra
Miss Krantz, I, um, well, Joey, he, umm... we're, well... Where do we keep the Vaseline?--rudy
"I just wanna make sure of something... Anything I Show 'n' Tell is protected by the teacher/student privilege, right? You can't use it in court against me, right?"--'zoid
"Hey, white hankie, left side. Move that over to the right and I'll meet you in the janitor's closet at nap time!"--LuvBJones (salvaging Matt Miller)
"My Show n' Tell is on female ejaculation!"--LuvBJones
"I think we realized that Dolly was destined for a career as a tobacco lobbyist the day she convinced the teacher to let them play Doctor instead of Dodge-Ball. Well, a lobbyist or a high-priced defense attorney." -- "Still Eight Months After All These Years" by Petrovich John Keane--Stiles
What do I want to be when I grow up? When I grow up? Ha ha ha ha!--Mr. ?
Oh, puh-leeze. Not only do I hear the hum, I can tell it's a Doc Johnson. Next time might I suggest one from Adam & Eve?--Gen. Sedgwick
"OK, I finished the 'balance the ball on the nose' trick. Now can I please have a fish?"--BA (salvaging Hos)
Miss Honeywell could only stare silently as the little Keane girl began to 'oink' at her.--BA
"You weren't emotionally attached to that gerbil, were you?"--Helder
"YOU SCREWS CAN'T BREAK US!...there's gonna be a breakout at recess...EVERYONE HERE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS TO SQUEALERS!...Janey made a shiv outta her barrette..."--'zoid
It's a simple deal: I get all A's, and my Daddy never hears about "Career Day".--megafrim
"HAH! Just try and flunk me! I'm here on a affletic scholarship, and Coach'll have your ass if I can't play."--'zoid
"The Students' Ideology Collective would like a brief word with you about today's citizenship lesson."--'zoid
Aug. 1985: Seeing a teacher drawn as a real person instead of a 'wanh, wanh' sound temporarily stupefied and confused Schultz, allowing Keane to temporarily make up some lost ground. -- The Cartoon Wars, Ch. 13: Arizona Geezers--agm
The rest of the students had a pool on how long it would take Dolly to make this teacher to snap.--Male Bimbo
"Of course the last teacher that gave me a C+ had a really bad accident with a baseball bat, but don't let that influence you."--maf
"I'm sorry, but my lawyer advised me not to discuss what I did during my summer vacation until the trial is over."--Helder
"Look, we both know half these idiots will never get beyond eighth grade. So why don't you give me a free hand to thin the herd a bit? You'll get a higher average achievement rating, and I'll get to do what Dolly does best."--'zoid
Damn, the last time I saw anything with a head that swollen and misshapen was when Dad came back from Bangkok.--Gen. Sedgwick
For "Show and Tell," I pierced by labia. Again.--Bad Girl
"How does it make you feel that half of these bed-wetters are already better with computers than you'll ever be?"--'zoid
"A-B-C-G-yadda-yadda-who gives a fuck. When you've got the skills I've got, you don't need a diploma."--'zoid
"We're supposed to tell the authorities if our parents keep drugs around the house? Why, are you looking to buy?"--'zoid
"I need extra attention, 'cause I have daily sex. I mean dyslexia."--'zoid
"Well, YOU try drawing a picture of your house when it doesn't retain the same shape for more than 10 seconds at a time!"--Magus
"Why . . . Pam? . . Pam Smith? The Pam Smith that was a pretty, young co-ed at the University of Arizona in 1978? You spent three weeks chained up in our basement-- 'member me now?"--Hang Lose
So what'd you think of my 'What My Daddy Does With Me" paper?--The EXXXorcist
"Yeah, it was me who slipped the meth into the gerbil food. It's not as cute as Hamster Dance but it's still pretty funny, don't you think?"--'zoid
Before the third week of school last year, I had the teacher whimpering like a puppy at my command... Don't think it will take as long with you.--Lord_Xeno
I'll be good. May I please have my shiv back now?--Anastasia
And there, in the crowd, their eyes locked. --from I Am Curious (Melon)--Heath
"grrr.... ARF!! ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF! rrr... ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!..."--sect
"We are stronger than you could ever imagine, Ms. Rafferty. And we know. Oh, yes.....we know."--The Enigma
Trust me. You don't want to know what happened to the class hamsters.--RMD
"Some days a girl just feels like lifting up her skirt and getting some air circulating on the ol' pussy, know what I mean?"--Stan Xhiao
"Sure sure...study real hard so I can go to college and meet a nice boy, get married, have kids, discover that he's a child-abusing drunk with no real ambition or talent...yeah, of course I can see why doing my homework is so important."--Stan Xhiao
You're a lot prettier than Mrs. Byrd.... well, after the acid incident anyways--Mr. ?
"I can fit your hair in my mouth!"--Bob Scott
"....Jeffy, Alice, Principal Jenkins, plaztic zoldierz....does the nurse need to know everything that's been Up There?"--Stealth
I'm six and I get more than you!--Virtue
"Your mama so ugly, daddy draws her with a bag over his head!" Miss Connors always dreaded the day after "Def Comedy Jam."--Bad Girl
So what is it? Chemo?--Horselover Fat
"Heh, um, Capricorn, why do you ask?"--Torc.

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