DFC #415
(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)  (<<)  (<)  (>)  (>>)
  (?)    '?'

Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc.
Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc.

"Aw, Mommy! Another video about 'tirement homes?"--Tice
December 1, 1985: Jeffy witnesses for the first time the marvel that is Erik Estrada's hair.--Helder
"Wouldn't it be simpler if the Grinch just butchered all the Whos in their sleep?"--Helder
Woah! Since when do we get the 'SIZL' channel?--Riff
Is it just me, or does Agent Scully just keep getting hotter?--Riff
"How To Come Out To Your Children.....what, you're breast-feeding again?"--Stealth
Mack daddy make you Jump, Jump! ...--Riff
That bitch is fucking Erica's husband, I just know it!--Talisker
Aiieeeee!!! When did Abe Vigoda do a porno?!?!--Doc Evil
"...Ohhhh... So that's what 'fisting' is."--Deiphage
This cop show is soooo fake! Real drug dealers cut the smack with baby powder, not flour!--squirt
"Wait a minute! That's a VCR! Since when have we been anywhere close to the last half of the century?"--Magikaldragon
The plot is rather predictable, and the acting is workmanlike, but man oh man, that humpin' is somethin'!--Argyle
"Sheeit...if girlfriend wouldn't be thinkin' she wuz ALL that, homey wouldn't be shackin' with her sis! JERRY! JERRY!"--Cranky Bear
The trap was devestatingly simple; all Jeffy had to do was look at the feed from the cam trained on his own hypno-hair. He never woke up.--The Dork Wanderer
The new "Jeffy" removable chair tray is decorative and attractive as its foamy melon-like "head" keeps your beer cool in even the hottest weather!--DirtyBorg
The sequins, the silly hair... Jeffy would always remember his first glimpse of Liberace, and knowing that he was not alone in the world.--Andrea
Rip off! The box said "two hours of ham-slammin' action," and they're repeating scenes all over the place!--Andrea
Actually, I'm the one that's supposed to distract you while Granma plants the 'splosives.--Mr. ?
Sorry, Mom, right now Attack of the Broccoli Creatures hits just a bit too close to home.--Gen. Sedgwick
You think that's bad, wait'll you see the size of the skidmark I made on the side of this chair!--poinko
Listen, I just can't see how impressive this "Baywatch" thing can b...ooooooohhhhhh...--Ted the Fed
I dunno, Mommy, I don't think we have enough of a case. I mean, maybe they did steal Ally's annoying, whiney, anorexic character from you, but I just don't see what the creepy, pudgy, deformed baby has to do with anything.--Ted the Fed
Yea!!! A DIVX player! Just as we were running out of places to buy blank Beta tapes!--anon
"Nothin', Mom. Dad just told me to stay in this position 'til he came back."--Valvoline
"Wait, why is she wearing a collar andbrandishing the whip? Ewww, BDSM faux pas.--Torc.
"It's that creepy painting of grandma... Her eyes seem to follow you everywhere."--Rev. Stackpole
Don't look behind you! The ghost of Mrs. Butterworth is flying around again.--wadd
Jeffy ingeniously uses Thel's tampon string to rappel down the loveseat.--Rev. Stackpole
Uh, Mom... I'm no technical expert, but I don't think you can control the WebTV box "with your mind."--Coalcracker
"You're in a skin-tight body suit. Dad's in the kitchen dressed as grandma. The TV is tuned to Animal Planet. Jeez, is it fetish night already?"--Helder
Bowling shoes in the house? You get off on making Mr. Blackwell's shit list, don't you?--zen
I farted...but that was in the basement. What am I doing HERE?--Mooey
"I think Grandma might have missed her medication. She's trying to bowl with the meatloaf."--The Lesser Gatsby
"I see the Rhoda marathon tape is out. Grandma gettin' the hint yet?"--Sean Q
For the rest of his life, Jeffy would answer the question, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" with the sheepish reply, "Humping the sofa."--Sean Q
Don't look now, but I think Gramma dug her way out again. And she's still trying to unload that godawful fruitcake!--Mr. Kontoontwon (salvaging?)
"Think Differently," you morons!--NME--
You know, Bil's portrait of his mother baking is actually kinda sweet, but this video of her sleeping is just creepy!--The Incorrigible Welshman
Suddenly, it all came to Jeffy's drug-rattled mind in a flash: 'The newspapers with Davis' strip cut out. Her ritually watching 'Garfield & Friends' each Saturday morning. The hairballs in her bathroom that Kittycat denied producing. A drunken Odie mumbling about 'that home-wrecking, sperm-burping bitch.' The extra boxes of frozen microwave lasagne in the freezer. Yes, it all makes sense to me now! Not Me is getting it on with Jon Arbuckle!' --agm
His delivery, his timing ... simply exquisite. ::sigh:: I'm never going to be half the comic that Urkel is.--me, myself, I
"Yeah, La-la! Don't take that kinda shit from that wuss Tinkywinky! Kick his ass!"--Magus
"I didn't know that women had hair there!"--E.Novak
"M.C. Hammer? Who the hell's that?"--E.Novak
Great, you're watching "Barney and Friends". The only thing that's more pathetically sweet and unrealistic than us. --anon (and on)
"So how much do you think Gramma will cough up to get these tapes back?"--Don Cabron
"Well, I guess if Daddy had known that Judge Judy was gonna be such a bitch about it, he woulda never tried to shoplift that wrench set from the K*Mart"--Hang Lose
"Everyone thought Jeffy's incessant humping of the chair was "cute".... of course, they also thought it was "sweet" how Grandma carried around Grandpa's old colostomy bag. Thel's skin-colored rubber joggin suit was "stylish"... and Uncle Roy was "harmless" around the kids. Dysfunctional, indeed.--Lt. Dan
Oh, geez. Just once I want the news to cut away to live footage of some crazed maniac who's taken hostages and for it not to be Dad!--me, myself, I
"Say, hyperfeticly, me an' Gramma made a bet, an' I lost. Since she didn't have a nut to bet in the first place, that makes the bet null an' void, right?"--Heath
I can hardly keep my mind on workin' out when Richard Simmons bends over.--Roy
"I'm not hungry...Grandma made me a bowl of mayonnaise soup and a coffee-and-yogurt sandwich. She's in there now with the hair dryer, making dinner."--Heath
"Wait...wait a second, hold it. So Santa gets one letter from a friggin' mouse and he decides to punish the entire town? FUCK YOU, FAT MAN!"--Pete
"Is that what I look like? Jeez, they told me TV would add ten pounds--they didn't say it would all be on my ass."--Torc.
In a gross miscalculation of weight ratios, Jeffy accidentally catapults Thel through a plate glass window while attempting to climb a chair.--Torc.
What WOULDN'T you do for a Klondike bar, Mommy?--Twisted Homemaker
"Hey, I think this is the one where they almost get off the island! You'd better be taping this!"--Kai Robinson
"Puck?? Are you nuts, girlfriend? I'd take that Irish punk boy from the second season."--Monkey Punch
"Bart Simpson is America's Bad Boy? When did he wrest the title away from me?"--Monkey Punch
"Bet you ten bucks they make a tank out of an old car, run the bad guys off, and then drug B.A.'s milk... Oh, just a hunch."--Deiphage
"My young and fruity buttocks are in need of some serious slappin'...any takers?" --sx
"Gramma's trying to bake a humidifier. I think you better turn off the TV and give those rest home brochures your FULL attention."--Doctor X
Jeez, that's easy! They call psilocybin a $1000 question?--Gen. Sedgwick
"$1.99 a minute? Shit! Dolly's been ripping me off!"--Torc.
"So you're watching the 700 Club, and reading the Weekly World News... Um, from now on, I think I'll make my own pudding."--Deiphage
Bacon, bacon, bacon... Some bacon would be good for breakfast tommorrow... That's all Thel could think about when Jeffy was around.--The Dank
On the one hand, grandma knew that sitting one foot from the television set can lead to melon-headedness, but on the other hand, she also knew that saying something about it could only get her another week in "Attic-Land".--El Kabong
Damn! Isn't Bob Barker dead yet?--Judgement Night
I don't think Gramma will mind a few scuff marks on the chair, not after she finds out what Dolly's doing to her vibrator collection.--Destroyer
The Keanes were worried about Jeffy's Ed McMahon fetish for the first fifteen years, but in light of Billy's cocaine addiction, they let it ride. --devvie
Hmm. I always thought Shaggy was doing Thelma, but now that you mention it, he does put his hands on Scooby an awful lot.--Judgement Night
Jeffy was always spellbound by Kathie Lee Gifford's Christmas special; this was the one thing that could make his homelife look exhilarating in comparison.--Ken
"Do we have mice? Cause there's a Dalek in the kitchen talking about exterminating somefin'."--Deiphage
"Hey, is this the 'Three's Company' where there's that big misunderstanding about Jack being gay, or the one with that big misunderstanding about the roommates having orgies?"--Don Cabron (RIP, Norman Fell...)

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