DFC #285
(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)  (<<)  (<)  (>)  (>>)
  (?)    '?'

Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc.
Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc.

Hmmmm...because of alcoholism in the family you will lose everything and be forced into cannibalism to survive...it's a good thing we have so many kids, huh Bil?--R.J.M.
"Free ten-hour trial on America Online, pick up CD at counter..."--Dan Jones
"Frames will fry out of littre girl's butt in next cartoon...." Dolly, did you order the Kung Pao Beef again?--War Gerbil
"The man behind you has been stalking you for weeks, and he has a gun... IN BED!"--Magus
Despite PJ's gentle pleadings and Dolly's not-so-subtle editorial comments, Thel belted out "Tie A Yellow Ribbon" once more for the crowd.--Dan Jones
"Yooouuu....arrrreee...goooiinnngg....ttoooo..." Bil wondered if he should cut Thel's prozac intake?--Godzone
Well, Bil, it looks like Bacon-head here has tapeworms. Either that or liver flukes. Still think we can't afford that water filter, Mister Frugal?--godot
Mother smoking a joint. Daughter trying to stick her fist in her mouth. Billy with a fork in his eye. Bil writing out a payoff check. Man, with all these subplots we could write a Quientin Tarrintino movie...--Rick and Dan
"'As you read, this, thousands of pencil-necked computer geeks are making fun of your head and insulting your son's hair.' Oh, these fortune cookies are always so unclear. This could apply to ANYONE!"--Magus
Thel cracked open the fortune cookie. Under the seat is a Glock 9mm, she read. Put at least two bullets in Bil and each of the children. Leave through the window in the mens room. You have five minutes. -- from La Femme Thelma--the infamous tms
"It had to end," he wrote on the back of a check. "I regret nothing. Roy, I always loved you." Ten minutes later, General Cyanide's Chicken had done its work.--phil
Yes, Jeffy, your fortune says the same thing as Billy's and Dolly's. "Shut up and behave or you'll be shipped off to forced labor camps in occupied Tibet." What a coincidence!--The Outsider
Christ! These "You may have won ten million dollars" people are everywhere these days!--Mr. Ben
Daddy? When you tip 15% of the "total bill," does that include the $20 bounced-check fee?--Rotter
What the -- Damn, these process servers are getting clever. Better start packing again.--Gen. Sedgwick
This cartoon contradicted Bil's assertion that he and Thel had no warning signs that Dolly was bulimic.--Gen. Sedgwick
It says " We see you induce vomit in bathroom and go back for more buffet. You pay extra, WHITE DEVIL."--Trevita
"The funny thing is, Bil, the funny thing is, after doing a genuine Chinese cluster-fuck with the waiters in the kitchen, it's an hour later and I want to do it again!" Bil's facial tic spasmed once, as he pondered whether to raise or lower the tip.--Galahad
No, Bil, I remember the inflection perfectly. What you said was, "Marry me and I promise you a fortune, Cookie."--Norm DePlume
"Meet me in the mensroom. I'll be wearing the scarlet ascot." This one's for you Bil.--Eat yerself fitter
"We will pay prime dollar for the little pudgy one with hair like bacon."--Eat yerself fitter
I still say you could put dog shit in a really hot vindaloo and I'd never know the difference.--Action (sahib) Jackson
It reads "Middle son will tip over in 10 seconds."--hugh jass
"Your food was drugged and you and your children will soon be sold into white slavery." I should be so lucky.--General Tso
"Confucius say "Dad hung like Imp. Get laid elsewhere."--Arby
Bil smiled smugly. The inexperienced chef, the blowfish, the demand for "clean plates"..It wasn't a check he was happily signing, but rather a mass melonhead death certificate.excerpt from "What Family?: One man's Guide to Freedom"--Arby
Your life is a twisted hell of pain and horror, your only respite shallow fits of dark, brooding ennui...in bed.--Lore Fitzgerald Sjoberg
"Please enjoy your Nice Melonhead Life: The glorious and typical of White Refuse culture."--nice personality
"'You will marry a failed, alcoholic, sexually deviant cartoonist, raise a litter of deformed sub-human spawn, and curse the day you were born.' Gee, Bil, I remember having this exact same fortune right before our first date."--Podbeing
"Look at Bil. He's been trying to figure 15% of our check for the last 40 minutes. Now I see why we don't eat out more often"--Westur the Unspeakable
'You give me five dollar, I love you long time.' Oh, how sweet. That was exactly what I said to you when we first met, Bil."--Dr. Schmuck
Jeffy reeled back in shock-usually Thel would wait until after they were in the car before sparkin' up a fat blunt.--Dr. Schmuck
"'Thousands of computer users will portray you as a sex-crazed barbituate addict with brain-damaged children and a homosexual pedophile husband.' Boy, don't you hate it when you get the same one twice?"--Jizmo the Wonder Horse
PJ, before the cock crows this night, you will betray me three times...--Nethicus
Having been driven to the breaking point by his son shrilly screaming "Moo goo on you, mate!", Bil calmly makes out a list of objects to permanently imbed in Jeffy's rectum.--Jizmo the Wonder Horse
"Jeffy is a glory-grabbing little dipshit". Like we didn't know that. These things are rigged.--Vice Pope Doug
"You get free meal because you supply doggy. Please not be mad. Car was unlock."--Vice Pope Doug
"Your melon-headed children will have incestuous relationships with their drunken father while his estranged lover dresses in drag as a waitress to try and see him despite the restraining order." Jesus, tell me something I don't know.--nonentity
...yup, the paper's turned pink. Wonder if our waitress will feel so smug about peeing in our coffee when we tell her parents she's pregnant.--Rotter
"Vely Pletty Lady is..." wait, why would they use a bad Jerry Lewis oriental accent when they type??--Rotter
Damn, I got the exact same fortune I got the last time the DFC got a "Fortune Cookie" gag...same with everyone else?--Rotter
"Don't look now, but your unfaithful husband is using the last check to buy off the waitress for cheap sex."--Mr. Ben
"Your body will be perfectly preserved in a European peat bog for millennia and will be an invaluable aid to future paleontologists in tracing the course of human evolution." That's a GOOD fortune, Jeffy.--soon
"It says: 'Warning: MacDonald's coffee may be hot. Don't sue us if you drop it in your lap, dammit!'"--The Rabid Rabbi
"Hmm. Let's see. Confucius say, fortune cookie caption joke already done, melonhead gaijin. Lucky numbers: 1, 6, 17, 24, 26, 32. I think this is yours, Bil."--tv's Spatch
Lemme get this straight--the Keanes can actually afford to eat at restaurants? At all-white Chinese restaurants? And Bil knows how to write a check?! Sheesh, the Warren Report is more believable than this cartoon! --Dave Matthews
It says "Don't even try forging a check and running out, Keane -- there's a hidden camera in the plant behind your son."--Paul Roub
"You have a tumor in your brain and it's increasing the pressure in your skull." IN BED! No... Wait... That doesn't work.--Doppelganger

Back to the DFC Archive index