DFC #296
(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)  (<<)  (<)  (>)  (>>)
  (?)    '?'

Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc.
Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc.

Well I'll be damned. The postman actually does bring mail to houses, too...--Bill
Who the Hell mailed us the remains of John Denver?--Doc Evil
Oh, look! Grandma sent us oversized photos of her vacation trip to the nudist colony!--Anastasia
"It's from Ed McMahon and Dick Clark and it says, Bil Keane, you may already be a shiftless, drunken pedophile with no hope in sight on the bleak horizon of your future!"--Dr. KNob
Tired of being pregnant all the time, Thel sent for the "industrial strength" diapraghm.--Clntwestwd
(sigh) another 3,000 disposable drawing compasses. When's this moron going to learn to draw a SQUARE ?--Kitsunesan
"So! You little snots want a piece of pizza, eh?........ Well, alright! Here you go! Fight for it!"--Magus
moist cunt magazine, what the fuck is that?--anon
It's a stone tablet from Mt. Sinai. If I'm reading it properly, it says, "XXI Thou shalt not have melonheaded children. XXII: Thou shalt not make unfunny cartoons. XXIII: Thou shalt grow up already. XXIV: Thou shall draw in correct proportions. XXV: Thou shalt not drink until you pass out on the couch, vomiting into a hat." --Nethicus
The long awaited crossover featuring DC Comics and The Family Circus begins when Plastic Man cleverly mails himself to the Keane household.--Mr. Ben McClellan
Well, what do you know? Someone actually makes cassettes that will actually fit in those oddball VCR's we always seem to buy.--bobo
After that now-infamous incident with the bear trap in the chimney , Santa Claus just mails his gifts to the Keane Family.--Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon
What the fuck is this? My Columbia Record Club order from 1976? What the hell am I supposed to do with Leif Garrett and Shawn Cassidy albums? --anon
"As we stood there, wondering what Mom had ordered, Billy just stared at her, rocking back and forth on his heels, wearing the T-shirt from his favorite movie, and muttering the word "Greed." Maybe I should have seen the warning signs, but hell, I was only five years old. -- Confessions by Jeffrey Keane--anon
Oh shit, when I ordered that Princess Di doll over the phone, I told them I wanted the "Wedding Di" not the "Tunnel" Di! --Walrus
After seizing Bil's drawing table Thel could draw as many doors as she liked.--anon
"This is Billy 8. I know Billy 7 isn't dead yet, but shit happens, y'know?"--nine elle
Okay, who sent for the G. Gordon Liddy "Stacked and Packed" calendar?--The Most Rev. HolyOley
Startled with disbelief at the smell and prospect of good, well-cooked food, the Keane children involuntarily began to worship the pizza.--Dr. Schmuck
"Hmm. They returned Bil's ashes due to insufficient postage. Well, he wanted to be scattered in Aruba, but he's just gonna have to make do with the 7-11 parking lot..."--Dr. Schmuck
All right, which one of you little fucks ordered a hair de-rippler and charged it to my MasterCard?--agm
Now available from the Franklin Mint - Family Circus plate #21: the delivery of Family Circus plate #20.--Riff
"Alright, which one of you told uncle Ted I was a wealthy industrialist?"--anon
"Since this is neither the SSI check or the Publishers Clearinghouse Winners Circle check, I suggest you little trolls return to your sewing machines pronto."--anon
I'll open it when you all decide to quit square dancing, and not a moment before!--Namgubed the Merry Elf
Well, kids, it's arrived. The enlarged nude portrait of your Uncle Roy is here. Time to hide in the basement and gouge out our eyes.--nonentity
"I'll never forget the time that Bil saved up his booze money for three months and ordered a thousand dollars worth of 'philatelic material'. We still use the stamps when we write to him at the sanitarium." -- Thelma Keane, Guilty Pleasures--Westur the Unspeakable
The children circled below in rapt hunger, as Thel carefully opened the box of field mice.--Gecko Man
The store was out of Sleep 'N Snore Ernies, so I ordered the next best thing: a Pass Out In The Street And Get Run Over By a Steamroller Bert!--DJM
Mailman Dave made his deliveries to the Keane house and then ran like hell, as was the custom for this part of his route.--Jim Smith
Sorry, this inflatable Barney is for Daddy. And you won't want it when he's done with it.--ann onn
Crap! Cowles rejected another batch of Bil's strips! Quick--start thinking of funnier things to say, and I'll whip up some gaspetti! Otherwise, it's going to be another Christmas without presents--or heat and electricity!--Coalcracker
Remembering the apes in 2001, Thel knew that the package's arrival could mean only one thing: her children would soon learn to use tools.--M

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