DFC #18
(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)  (<<)  (<)  (>)  (>>)
  (?)    '?'

Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc.
Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc.

Why do you have scalpels in the silverware drawer?--anon
Hey, at least I didn't hide them under my mattress.--Bill Sengstacken
OK, so you'll be the dental hygienist and I'll be the disobedient patient.--Paul Roub
I'm sorry, mommy. I would've never taken them to show & tell if I knew they were your last clean pair!--anon
How come you let Dolly pack a gun to school, but I can't even take a steak knife?--anon
"Not the anal probe!"--Tim Harrod
Goddamn, mommy, you sure did cut a big hole in your face with that exacto knife!--anon
Your eye and nose both resemble checkmarks. No, this isn't even remotely amusing. Just a simple observation.--Jeremy Stover
I know you said never to use your needles, but it was an emergency!--Craig
Ha! You call that a whip? You should see the one Dolly keeps behind her Barbie beach house!--Kittycat
Don't put away the paintbrush yet! We've still got another bucket of body paint and only my top half is stripey!--Kittycat
Well, it's true! There are more pen-lines in that carrot than in your entire body! Geez, don't get mad at me!--Andy Ihnatko
Well, sometimes Keane just has a really early tee time, that's all. Look, don't complain to me every time you're drawn with only six penlines!--Andy Ihnatko
I'm sorry, Mommy. Gramma Keane told us the only way you'd ever see a fresh vegetable was if it were next to the can opener.--Andy Ihnatko
Funny how it was rotting in there for about five months before you even noticed the stench, huh?--Andy Ihnatko
For the last time, Mom, I don't think PJ likes it in that drawer, and I know you should throw more than just one carrot a week in there!--Andy Ihnatko
Oh, so you're gonna slice me open with a carrot, are you? Jeezus, now do you believe you need to go to the eye doctor?--Andy Ihnatko
But I'm _already_ circumcised!--anon
...at least I think she was blonde. I mean, she could have been a brunette.--dillon
"Of course it's bent. How else was I supposed to get the third bullet out of Kennedy's head?"--Paul T. Riddell
"Hey, you're the one who wore your vibrator down to a nubbin, not me."--Paul T. Riddell
"Jeez, Mommy! When Daddy told Dolly to go suck a dog's ass until its head caved in, you'd have thought she wouldn't consider you as the subject."--Paul T. Riddell
On second thought mom, I'll pass on the salad.--anon
That's for _drilling_ teeth, you moron, I asked for the "puller!"--anon
"Do *real* doctor's knives break when they hit bone?"--Felix W.
Is what safe?--ewhac
Oh, come on, Mom. It's not a real scalp. It's off the neighbor's dog.--Blake
"Don't internalize your anger, Mom. Actuize it!"--"Uncle" Al
Mommy, can I have my joint back after I do my homework?--Igor mehi
"So the blade twisted when I pulled it out of the old lady's ribs. What are you complaining about? You got her Social Security check, didn't you?"--Paul T. Riddell
Hurry mommy, Dolly sewed PJ's butt shut and if you don't give me a knife pretty quick,there's going to be one hell of an explosion.--Bluto
But we needed the batteries for our flashlight.--JO'C
No, I most certainly did not take your stash. Why don't you ask that perfect daughter of yours?--Roxanne LeReaux
No Mom, I've never seen 'The Marathon Man'--Dave Browne
But Mommy, I *like* being a gentile!--Dan
But I'm not Billy, I swear! My name is Dennis - Dennis Mitchell. I'm just visiting from the other side of the paper!--Craig
No need for the knife, Mom. It's a botched attempt at a shadow, not a tumor.--Trism
Stop waving that knife around! Is it any wonder we're a family of one-legged, one-armed, chinless freaks?--Trism
"You call those knives. Wait here and I'll get my shit!"--Supa Hex
Mom, you can't pull that "circumcision" threat on me -- we're Protestant!--gail g.
Dolly's using your Zippo on the cat. Just light it off the stove.--Trism
Boy you really take that "delivery in 30 minutes or it's free" deal seriously, don't you?--zazu
C'mon, Mom, you shaved my ass last week!--Dave Lazar
My head is a cutaway diagram of a Salad Shooter. Push the carrot into my mouth, it hits the whirling cutter/impeller, and perfect Julienne slices are shot through this chute coming out of my forehead. Go ahead...try it!--Andy Ihnatko
You, all right? I learned it by watching YOU!!!--Muskrat
No, that lure's for walleye, not pickerel. You really don't know shit about fishing, do you?--ik
All right, Mom! Okay! Sorry about the checkmark comment! Hell, look at me! My nose and mouth look like the number 5 and my ear has the wishbone from "Operation" by Milton Bradley in it! Now put down the Ginzu!--Jeremy Stover
Aw, Mommy! It's Halloween! I'm going as a UPC symbol! I thought you'd be PROUD to have such a creative son!--Hugh Downs
Well, hey, if you're just gonna cut me anyway, why not start with these two hairs sticking up in the back of my head. I mean, what, I've transformed into fucking Alfalfa now? I don't get it.--Dumb Guy
"Daddy bent it with pliers. He said he wished it was your neck."--&
Gosh, Mrs. Bates, I just never developed a taste for motel food.--Omega Wolf
How come you only clean my ears when you're mad?--anon
O.K., genius, just how you gonna "make her squeal" with that ball-gag in her mouth?--anon
Threaten me with that knife again, bitch, and I'll break every bone in your hand--Yoda (DL)
This comic is boring. Can I move in with Mother Goose and Grimm?--patrick

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